one foot in & one foot back

its really hard to enjoy life without being able to share it with you.
its making every part of this, every bad thing that has happened, that much worse.
i drive to & from work in silence.
i find myself wanting to smile about you, with every little happy reminder, but have that feeling stolen away immediately.
i have deleted every last physical evidence of you to help the hurt. pictures, messages, tokens, everything. gone. either packed away, given away, or thrown away.

yet i still have this hole, where i know you belong. & if i sit still too long i dwell on it.
8 hours of non-stop work cant even drown you out.
i cant shake you.

im fighting with myself constantly. & i want to choose you so badly. i want to think of you often. i want to call you. laugh when im reminded of you. i want to turn the music up, & sing as if you were there. tell stories of that one time, at that one place. i want to look forward to the next time i get to see you. hear your name & be overwhelmed with pride & love. i want to miss you with every part of my heart, with a smile on my face.

but i cant think of you, when you didnt think of me.