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i want each of these for birthday/christmas....

& it spread...

i & love & you has been streaming on npr for the last couple days. i & love & it.

then a song surprised me. to be honest i could never make it through the whole album because i would listen to it so late at night that a little over half way through it id get too tired & fall asleep. but i woke up this morning & turned it on & 45 minutes later "incomplete & insecure" came on.

it made me smile about my sad heart. weird? maybe, but its because i love those boys so much they can do that to me.

i haven’t finished a thing since i started my life
i don’t feel much like starting now.
walking out lonely has worked like a charm.
i’m the only one i have to let down.

but watching you makes me think that that is wrong.

i can go on with my insecure nature
i can keep living off sympathy.
i can tell all the people that all of the success
is a direct reflection on me.

but watching you makes me think that that is wrong.

what is important? what’s really important?
am i not to know by my name?
will i ever know silence without mental violence?
will the ringing at night go away?

it’s up to you.
my father called on me.

i haven’t finished a thing since i started my life
i don’t feel much like starting now.

i wanna fit in to the perfect space...

head full of doubt...

... road full of promise.

so fucking good.

one foot in & one foot back

its really hard to enjoy life without being able to share it with you.
its making every part of this, every bad thing that has happened, that much worse.
i drive to & from work in silence.
i find myself wanting to smile about you, with every little happy reminder, but have that feeling stolen away immediately.
i have deleted every last physical evidence of you to help the hurt. pictures, messages, tokens, everything. gone. either packed away, given away, or thrown away.

yet i still have this hole, where i know you belong. & if i sit still too long i dwell on it.
8 hours of non-stop work cant even drown you out.
i cant shake you.

im fighting with myself constantly. & i want to choose you so badly. i want to think of you often. i want to call you. laugh when im reminded of you. i want to turn the music up, & sing as if you were there. tell stories of that one time, at that one place. i want to look forward to the next time i get to see you. hear your name & be overwhelmed with pride & love. i want to miss you with every part of my heart, with a smile on my face.

but i cant think of you, when you didnt think of me.

wore out.

first day of work. so effing busy no breaks. 8 hours of slinging cupcakes.... then we ran out. im stunned by the amount of work that was done. constant line all day. im in shock, & exhausted.

movies i want to see... NOW

whip it.
youth in revolt.

the lovely bones.
new york, i love you.
where the wild things are.
the men who stare at goats.
the princess & the frog.
paper heart.
away we go... check.

gonna miss my fave 5...

will
becky

mal
boo
& hannahbot

im too stressed to enjoy any of this. too much in my life has changed for the worse lately, its hard to appreciate the good... if its even good.

i want a baby....

when i move into my own place... which i hope is by december... so if someone wants to get me a baby boy that looks like this i can call mogley that would be just the best.