we are being really bad at communicating. this whole using a blog thing isnt really cutting it for me anymore. and both of us being deathly ill probably isnt really helping our cause either.
i have this great fear of us falling out recently. the longer i live over here, and when visits are becoming fewer and farther between the more alone and disconnected i feel from you and my family. i didnt talk to my parents for over a week.... since i left sequim. i cling to the idea of our road trip even though financially its probably the most unrealistic thing i can really do right now. i used to find it hard wrapping my mind around not being friends with jake, because i always felt like no matter how much i disliked him he would always be around, because i would always be close with the family... but i am realizing how that may just be wishful thinking. our friendship ending is just the stake that is the start of the end. my spot at the dinner table will be eventually filled with husbands and wives...
i may just be paranoid cause i dont have much over here, and its really getting to me. its difficult to live only to work, and not being able to afford to go home as much as id like to. plus last night carl mention his, will, and jakes plan for will and karl to marry you and jess so you all are one big happy family.... and i felt soooo left out. like it will actually happen... but still.
youre my best friend. the only one that satisfies that position fully...
the travelocity gnome is in the shop getting his picture taken. ANOTHER celebrity.
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typing things out helps to regulate the blood flow from my heart to my brain and back again.
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3 comments:
1. i know what you mean about feeling so apart. i do feel the same. i miss you so much it sucks. i am but a shell of the person i was. i do nothing anymore. i go to work. i come home. i sleep. i watch a movie. the same thing over and over. and its so unfulfilling. i have no life here. so i get it.
2. i understand how lonely it has to be for you there. i get so excited whenever we can hang out now...its pretty ridiculous. perhaps i can try and come see you again on a sun-tues. i mean i know you will work...but i could find something to do during the day.
3. that was the first i heard of marrying carl and will. in fact...after i read this i asked jake if it was true..and hes said, oh yeah. and then he told me i would be marrying carl. i laughed pretty hard at this one...carl? so thanks for the laugh and letting me in on that piece of info..apparently jess and i dont need to be told of these plans.
4. the day that you lose your seat to one of our husbands or wives is the day i choose not to eat at home anymore. i know this is hard. i know the feud between you and jake changed a lot of things for us all..but i do know that at the end of the day you are family kass. you will always be in this family and we will always love you. its hard not being around each other all the time..but when we do see you my WHOLE family lights up.
5. so maybe this is just a bad time in your life. maybe things wont work out in seattle. maybe you move back. maybe you dont. but the point is...there is nothing making you stay with this current place in life. you dont like something. change it. you know you can.
6. this trip is so exciting to me. i completely understand what you mean about it being such a terrible thing to try and do what with current finances. i so get that. but i am so in. i want you to know that. i get just as excited about this as you do. i put away $80 this past week towards the trip plus the $75 mom owes me...i mean, its not much..but i am trying...and like mom said...work towards this trip. do everything in your power to make it happen..and if it doesnt...well we will have some serious money at our disposal. you know?
so i guess i end this list by telling you how much i love you. how very much you mean to me. how much i miss the crap out of you. how i understand what you are going through. and how you can never lose a seat in our house. i mean, you are in the freaking board game!!
i love you kassie. you are my best friend. you are you are.
i know, but even after all that my irrational fear is till there.
my tabs are expired so ill be in sequim on monday... just for a bit.
....i get it.
p.s. i have monday off.
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