note this was BEFORE i left for SF.

went to bible study last night at mals... i really love it.
but it makes me realize that catholics honestly do it all wrong.
sure we say we are christians living in the catholic tradition... but thats where i feel we go wrong... the tradition.
i dont feel the way we worship really brings us closer to God... we dont really develop a real personal relationship with Him.
we recite we sit we stand we kneel we pray... its a very routine and monotonous.
most of the time kids like my brother and sisters get bored with it all and end up losing their faith.
and that bothers me.
it could just be that i come from three catholic churches who mainly cater to people who came before vatican II... so they havent really followed the times.
but i feel like i have missed out on some of the most trust building times with God... if that makes sence... because i was wrapped up in routine... not thinking in depth.
i dont want to become someone like my sister... who is 25 and doesnt go to church hasnt baptized her two kids because she lost her faith.
i dont want to become my mother who says she is a devout catholic only to just show up to church every sunday but not participate or even live her life Christ-like.
i mean cause thats what being a christian means... to be Christ-like.

last night after bible study mal and i talked for like an hour about this...

i see her and the other girls and i see they know the bible so well, and when they are in a tough spot in their lives their refer to Gods word to get them through it.
catholics almost dont read the bible... so growing up i would never reference it... i would find someone, a tangible human to lean on.
thats been my problem all year... i depended on people to bring me happiness... i depended on people to be my escape... i depended on people to fill the void...
but thats all wrong... cause people are human and they will set you up for dissapointment, they will dissapoint you.
they shouldnt be given that place in your heart, that is where you have God...
you depend on God for your happiness, you depend on God to be your escape, you depend on God to fill the void.

and i understand that, but even after i thought about this last year.... it was a BAD year. nothing went right.

first new years.
fighting with my bestfriend.
akward with another.
then fixing all that... thinking things were going great.
to valentines day and months of issues to follow that.
then my car accident.
my job going down south this whole time.
parental problems going on this whole time.
losing everyone important to me at once.
and the schooling situation with my parents.
then just realizing in my time of need the person i depended on to make it all better wasnt there... and not knowing why he wasnt there.

and as i look back... up until about midway through the valentines day thing i whole heartedly beleived God would make it all better, that it was just life... but then i kept getting hit...
hit after hit after hit of just bad bad things happening. i look back and i couldnt see even just a full week where everything went right.... and so i doubted everything. i didnt understand why me... why everything.

and if i just knew then what i know now i could have gotten through it... i would have been smart enough not to invest so much of myself into a person, but to invest all of that to God. i wouldnt have depended so much of my happiness on others... it wasnt fair, because they never asked for that and when they werent there i did get upset. and i shouldnt have given them that responsibility.

i really hope when i get down to san francisco i can find a group of people who can help me with all of this. because i have needed this for so long